Being a "Go Getter" pays off

Problem is, I'm not one right now.

I've been messing around too much lately. I really should diligently find a job but I've only been on the search on and off. I'm really not taking this too seriously and I can see that all of this procrastination is soon going to bite me in the ass. Now all the new graduates are probably going to be right up there along with me when it comes to competitng. Man, I'm stupid.

Why am I so stupid and lazy. All I know how to do is joke around. Basically, as of now I feel so unproductive with really nothing to offer. All I am is a person that makes witty jokes and tease everyone. That's all I'm good for right now. Okay, enough self bashing.

I have been enjoying myself way too much. Doing nothing, sleeping late, hanging out at any hour, watching crap on tv at any hour.....aaah that's the life. Too bad I don't have alot of money to continue in this habit. I don't enjoy digging into savings to do this, and that is exactly what I'm doing now. Gotta stop the insanity. No adult should live like this. Once you get too used to this, it is hard to get back in the grind of the real working world.

Speed Word Eraser

get it? get it? Speed Racer?.....Speed WORD E-RACER?!!  Eh forget it.

Anyway, I have to vent. I get really annoyed when I have to repeat something. It is one thing if I mumbled and need to repeat the sentence to redeem myself. It is another if someone else has a problem catching on. When you have to consistently deal with this problem, it becomes very irritating.

Yes. I do speak very fast. My S.O. has already pointed it out many times. In fact, an old friend that I haven't seen in a few years also asked me if I, quote "still talk like, 90 mph". The answer is NO. I do not. I tried to pull the speed down for people who can not handle it.

My S.O. had a real hard time, thats why I had to tone it down. He sometimes still has me repeat my dialogue. Actually, my aunt is having the same problem. These days I mostly speak in a relatively normal pace. I don't understand what the issue is. They either ask me to repeat myself or bounce back something that would be completely off.

For example, I would say: "I'm going out to the store and do some grocery shopping. Do you want me to pick anything up for you? Do you want juice? milk? chips?". 
They would say: "Stop shopping. Don't spend money. You don't have a job. You have enough clothes".

You may think I'm making a big deal out of this. Fine, you can think that. Consider it one of my pet peeves. If this happens to you almost on a daily basis by more than one person, you tell me how you would like it. Mind you, they are not senile or hard of hearing . It's like their brain just tells them to be stupid when they are around me.

Foe in the Toddler Swatter

I can't sleep. So I'll write some more.

Yesterday, I went shopping at my neighborhood Walbaums. There was this chinese couple that had two very young children with them. One of them was a boy with a yellow fly swatter. He had a scowl on his face and pointed the fly swatter in the air as if he were to take over the world with that contraption. While I rolled down the aisle with my grocery cart, his eyes darted at me. He ran around swatting nearby produce and then proceeded to swat at me. That little shit.

Okay, little boys will be little boys. The kid was barely 5 years old. What I don't understand is his parents. Don't you see your child doing this? I don't think Walbaums sell fly swatters but if they do...as soon as you see your young, uncontrollable child pick one up, don't you take it away from them before they do damage? If that kid did bring it from home, my god wouldn't you confiscate it before stepping out the front door?

These kind of parents are like the ones you see on the news. They have problemed teenagers that commited some heinous crime like, shoot out a school or something. "Oh I have no idea where he obtained the rifle and the ammunition! He kept to himself and loved video games; he stayed in his room most of the time so I left him alone."

Dawn of a New Age

Hi Xanga, an old friend reminded me of you. I'm sorry I havent written on you for a long time. I forgot how much better I would feel after writing on you. I should really try to do it more often. I really do always feel such a rush of relief after a good expel of thoughts from my head. It's cathartic. Hope to see you again, Xanga.

I'm back (in NYC)
I'm 28 (as of recent)
I need to lose 10 lbs by September 26 for my bff's wedding
I need to get a job
I need to get settled

Speaking of this "settling" business. My S.O. was telling me over the phone that I don't now what I want; thus the reason why I can't settle down. At first, I said he was wrong and needed to shut up. I was angry, very angry with him. The reason why I'm not settled is because of him! All of his problems, his immaturity, his neglect...THAT is why I haven't settled down! The reason why I'm not married...is b/c of him! The reason why I had to move back from FL......him again!

Half a day later I realized that he might be on to something. I always thought I knew what I wanted. Maybe I really don't. Actually, I do know what I want; but, the big question is if what I want is even good for me. In every situation may it be a job, a love relationship, a friendship...I stay b/c I always hope that things will get better. What I do is unhealthy, b/c sometimes things don't get better and all you end up with is "life experience", disappointment, wasted time, and a broken heart.

So I ask myself: what do I know that I want for sure?

I want to be happy with myself. I want to feel fulfilled. I want to be able to look at the mirror and not feel ugly. I want to feel comfortable with myself. I want to not care about people that love to see me knocked down. I want to be stronger. I want to be smarter. I want to be pretty. I want to feel like I am a good person.

I want a really really good friend. A friend that is loyal. A friend that won't betray me. A friend that will always be there for me through thick and thin. A friend that will inspire me to be a better person. A friend that will help me discard my bad habits and encourage me to learn good ones.

I want to buy a house. A house that is preferably in the NYC area, or close to. A house that has two floors, an island in the kitchen, a driveway (u-shaped if possible), a porch, a decent backyard, space on both sides of the house so it won't be too close to neighbors, and available parking on the streets at all times. A house that I can raise a family in. A house that I can raise a dog in. A house that has wooden floors and beautiful tiles. A house that I would be proud to host dinner parties and barbecues in.

I want a good (not perfect) husband. A husband that is loyal. A husband that makes me laugh. A husband that can hold intelligent conversations but can talk about perverted stuff as well. A husband that is not a cheapo. A husband that can provide for our family without forcing me to work and yet still be able to put us in the "upper middle class" bracket. A husband that would let me make my own choices whether to work full time, part time, or no time and not penalize me for it. A husband that will not view me as a dollar sign just b/c I have a profession that can bring in 100k per year. A husband that will love me the same if I brought 100k a year or  just cook and clean like Martha Stewart. A husband that makes me feel comfortable with myself.

I want a good job. I want a job that lets me make good money. I want a job that will allow me to take a break so I could eat. I want a job that also allows me to go to the bathroom freely. I want a job that doesn't make me hate every living, breathing thing at the end of the day.

I guess that's my basic wants. I mean its not so complicated and far-fetched right? So the real question is how to obtain the things that I want. That's the real hard part. How do you get your ideal friend, husband, job, and house? Craigslist? ha. If life would ever be that easy.

And..how do I know if what I have now is what I always wanted?

Growing Pains

My S.O. told me that he found a poem that I have written him. That got me to thinking about the many entries I used to write on this blogger site.

Just to reminisce, I decided to log back on good ol' Xanga to bask in the immaturity of my youth. Looking back, I had alot of things to learn huh! I was never good with physical journals, however blogging just came easily. I guess typing is alot faster than writing by hand. I also am always the kind of person that have many random thoughts so it just seemed appropriate to post some of it online!

Not always though.

Reading far back....I am sometimes proud of what I wrote. Some of the things I have written I consider brave for a girl like me to say. I definitely don't think I have lost my bluntness. However, some of the things I wrote I feel where very harsh and how to say it.....vulgar. I mean I think for a young woman I cursed way too much. I definitely still curse now but hell I cursed ALOT! "Shit" here, "Shit" there. Eek so uncalled for.

I was also very dramatic. I suppose I still am to some extent. I really do think I have calmed down alot. I also have learned from experiences and have matured from them as well.

It's fun to reflect thats all. I am still quirky and weird. Still quite blunt at times. But I think I have learned to control it better. Oh, but the drama still follows me. I have just learned to carry an imaginary bat to swing at it when it gets too close. It helps *wink*